Hi Mom and Dad. Do you have a moment to chat? No, I don’t mean in the eventual “let’s talk about boys” sense, I mean we need to talk, and it’s got to be right now because I’m feeling the need to take a nap (I’m feeling a little grumpiness coming on) and after that it’s time to watch Elmo and then snack time, so I need to catch you guys up on something right now. So why don’t you two take your chairs while I set up the presentation from my bouncy seat here.
Ready? Good.
I have been chosen as your Union Rep. to brief you on some new guidelines being issued by the Union of Babies, Toddlers and Youth (the U.B.A.T.Y.) because, well, as you know, I can neither walk yet, nor drive and I still need someone to change my diaper. So the union decided to assign me to this house. Also, no one else seems to be able to understand what I’m saying.
Though you may know me as your daughter Jenny, for the duration of this presentation I need you to address me as “Union Representative Anderson” and not “Jen Jen” “Peanut” “Little Bing Bing” or “The Munchkin”. Your cooperation on this point is appreciated.
Okay, let’s get started.
I’m going to be reading a few selections from the Union’s newly issued document entitled “New Procedures and Guidelines Concerning Routines, Schedules, Norms, Practices, Habits and Customs for Babies and Toddlers”
Don’t let that dynamic title fool you, it’s really a down to earth, practical publication that I found riveting. In fact, I think I’m a little cranky today because I stayed up a little too late perusing it by the light of that darling ladybug nightlight you got me a few months ago.
These guidelines represent months of tense negotiations, (including quite a few temper tantrums) so while they may at first seem harsh and unreasonable, they represent the finest compromise that we could offer on several key points.
I have highlighted and annotated the sections that we will be covering in this session, so if you could be so kind as to fetch my bottle and a few Cheerios we’ll get to the business at hand.
Section 4, article 15-8: Bedtime
At the appointed time of slumber, we your children pledge the following:
• If a certain beloved stuffed animal / doll / toy cannot be located for bedtime we your children pledge to cry, drag our bodies around the floor and genuinely put up such a fuss that you will be forced to tear apart the house or car in search of said item. Substitutions will not do. It must be the beloved item or nothing at all. And, the later the hour the better.
• If at nap time we have already slept for a period of over five minutes, we your children promise to stay awake for the whole nap period and bang on the wall with a toy so as to indicate our "rested" state. We then affirm that we will be surly and grumpy the rest of the day.
• If there is at all the possibility of holding our bowel movements till the time of the nap we pledge to wait it out and go approximately fifteen minutes into the nap session. (You know the kind of movement of which we speak.)
• If we are in a different household we pledge to sleep as little as possible and to wait for the exact moment that you, our parents go to sleep to wake up and cry out loudly. We also reserve the right to wake up at five a.m. and skip our nap that day.
Okay Mom and Dad, I know that we’ve only just begun, but I just wanted to stop and see how you are doing. I know that I was up a few times last night and sometimes the next day can be a little hard on you when it comes to focusing, so if I may be so bold, I think a pot of coffee might be in order.
There, I think that will help, let’s dive back in.
Section 7 article 1-8a: Vacation
• Should you take me on vacation I affirm that I will act “out of sorts” and make every effort to sabotage enjoyable situations. If taken to the beach or any other natural local I will be forced to act “grumpy” and make a scene whenever possible. I will tailor my efforts to the number of people around the immediate vicinity. For instance, if there is another couple or family around I will merely “cry.” But if there are many onlookers I will scream and expend all of my energy in a “fit.”
• Please know that there is no malicious intent here, I am simply protesting a change in the normal routine. In the future please continue to bring me camping, to the beach, the amusement park etc. My protests and odious behavior will lesson over time.(There is a formula that applies to these situations that you may reference in the appendix of this document)The good news is that if you can stick it out I will exponentially get better on vacation until I become a teenager where behavior on vacation will revert to “grumpiness” again. I recommend taking lots of pictures and video in the in-between time.
Mom and Dad, you no doubt see the faint inference here to the much referenced “summer of ’07” incident. It was in fact this very vacation that prompted the work that has come to fruition here before you. We feel very strongly that this educational attempt on the union’s part will encourage you to again test the sometimes chilly waters of vacation.
Section 10 article 3-1.6: Moving
• If a family move is in order, we will require a ten day “wailing” period. This is a customary time of mourning that we ask that you allow us to observe. Please know that this does not mean that we object to the move per se, but we are simply remembering the old home, and any reference to the old house, neighborhood, state etc. being “better” is not a pure judgment call, but an observation born out of emotion. We shall return to normal after the required period and most likely find new things to love.(This process may be shortened a bit by the following being a feature of the new house: A fireman’s pole connecting my room to the living room, a root beer option on all the faucets or a new puppy.)
Okay, sorry to keep disrupting the flow, but I wanted to take a moment and address the move our family has recently made. To this move I say “bravo” “well done”. My new room is spacious and reasonably well lit (those My Little Pony posters were a great touch) and the play room that adjoins the laundry room is above par. I have found the yard to be most adequate and I rate the new swing set four and a half stars. I’m sorry if my “period of morning” was slightly confusing to you. Again, this is one of the many reasons this document is so vital.
This last highlighted section I have saved for the end as it contains references to a very recent, life altering change here in the Anderson household. Of course I’m referencing the recent birth of little Sarah. This event was most earth shattering to me and not all together agreeable at first. My views are changing day by day, and I pushed to include language concerning such events that has helped me formulate my thoughts on the birth and subsequent “parent hogging” of the little beast / ball of sunshine.
Section 16-3 article 7: An Addition To The Family
• Should you choose to bless our home with a new baby, we your established children reserve the right to shake up our sleep pattern, including refusing bed time for what might be the first time, getting up at precisely 4:58 and generally “acting out” in a mystifying fashion. Many of these behaviors will seem strange and alien to you at first, but we ask for patience during this difficult time of transition. We will soon return to familiar routines and good behavior that fall within agreed union parameters. (Again, the intensity of this period of time can be greatly reduced with the introduction of the afore mentioned puppy.)
Well, that’s all our time. I can see by your slightly dazed expressions that I have chosen a wise stopping point. We have covered a lot of ground here today, and you two have faired very well. I commend you for your attention to detail and the willing spirit you have displayed in the face of tough negotiations. We will all benefit from these guidelines.
As a bit of a heads up, a panel has been convened to take a look at starting the teenage addendum to this document, but not to worry, that is a distant ten years away.
Now, switching gears a bit, perhaps we could see about that diaper change?
See a book as it is being written. Coming soon, a memoir about being a stay at home dad by Tincan Caldwell.
